i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
