It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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