when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
