I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
