Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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