dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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