Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
