im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
