Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
