dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
