I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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