I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
How does one acquire holy water?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
