I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
