dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
