he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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