Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
