your parents love me but you hate me
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
