Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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