dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
oh god the rape fog is back!
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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