My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
