Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
