I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
