he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
