i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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