Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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