Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
