he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
