I looked at my own cervix.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
