I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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