Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
