Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
