I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
