Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
