Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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