I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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