The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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