You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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