I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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