i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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