You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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