I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
