I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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