I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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