whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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