my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
