Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
