look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
