Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
