Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
