DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
