i wish peter jackson would direct porn
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
